Deserted this place for quite some time already...no matter, I have no intentions of closing it down, so might as well continue ta' shoot the shit.
Anyways, have been spending quite some time with a new clique I joined a couple of months back. Joined a forum called SCANDAL Heaven, and met a couple of guys residing in Singapore who are part of this community.
Really great souls. Well, mixing in isn't easy (as usual), but since we all have a similar interest, I guess it's not completely fruitless. Time went by and got to talk to 'em more...and thanks to some of 'em, I even started using Twitter! Something I never thought I'd ever use...
But what's done is done, now I have a Twitter account and it's just another place for me to rant...
Besides Twitter, I tried playing a sport I never thought I'd play as well...soccer.
To be absolutely frank with you, it's really not my type of sports...for now that is. I tend to panic when I get the ball under my foot, I play rough, and most importantly...I can't kick the ball good enough. But thus far, I have went for 2 soccer sessions with the SH guys, and despite my statement above, I had fun.
But for those who know me well, there's one very crucial thing about my attitude that they should know...I've said it umpteen times, and I'll say it again...
Besides hating to lose, I tend to get pissed at myself for not being able to get a job done right.
Although the SH clique reassures me that they don't blame me for my poor skills, I still scold myself for being a total klutz. Nothing personal, it's just how my mind works...
But the bottomline is, it's fun taking part in the soccer session with 'em despite the fact that my body had kinda' given way a couple of times. Thanks, SHSG! I really appreciate it guys!
Alright, before I conclude my first blog post in a long while, thought I'll share some drawings I have done just to let people know I haven't been just idling my time away doing nothing...but still, no colors. XD
Bleach crossovers...
HARUNA X Zaraki Kenpachi
RINA X Hitsugaya Toushiro
TOMOMI X Kyouraku Shunsui
MAMI X Kuchiki Byakuya
A younger version oF Yamamoto Genryuusai Shigekuni...
Thaz'all folks...
Oh and I'll be lookin' forward to seeing you and Lee Anne again, Sista'!
After a month plus of physical and mental "torture", I have finally clinched the NAPFA silver.
Really elated when everything is over and learned that I have done what I thought was not very possible when I failed the first 2 attempts. And for that, I have to thank BB for giving me the support while I was clearing the stations.
He unfortunately didn't get past one of the stations, but he stayed behind to see things through till the very end...and I appreciate his presence.
The silver is actually a pass for me to attend the SCANDAL concert in a couple of weeks time...
I'm supposed to enlist for NS at 8 September, thus missing the concert...but now that I have claimed the silver award, there's a chance that I'll be able to attend the concert after all.
No matter, I'll just rest for the day and hopefully I'm not gonna' be bedridden tomorrow...
Have been deprived of a computer for quite some time. My laptop's kinda toast...the White Screen Of Death made its first appearance before my eyes.
Next, my bro's desktop. It had already stopped working for a long time due to some OS shit...and just when I thought my bro had fixed it that one night, the computer failed to power up the next day.
So yeah...that's when all the inconveniences seeped in. Luckily my bro borrowed me his iPad, otherwise my life would have been worse than dull.
But still there are things an iPad can't do, for instance...drawing. I was kinda panicking because I had the intention to submit a couple of fan art on a forum, and as the deadline drew near, I had to make a trip back to school and finish things up. Fortunately, I was able to complete 'em...to a certain extent.
Well, what matters is with a proper computer, I feel like I'm whole again...
With the graduation ceremony out of the way, I'm now waiting for the governmental edict to ferry me into NS-hood.
The day of graduation is without a doubt a day filled with memories. I'm glad my mother and big brother was there to attend the event, and I believe my dad's in the attendance as well...
You're son's finally crossed another hurdle, daddy...
Needless to say everybody's thrilled about how they're officially cleared to enter the outside world...and in order to not forget the moment, millions of flashes were taking down the smiles on everybody's face.
Yeah...photographs...
Just saw a couple of pictures of my friends. Everybody's smiling so wide...well, almost everybody. And there it is, I came across some pictures that kinda...hit me hard.
...it's always like this...
I've accepted the fact she's with somebody else...but seeing her in his arms and vice versa...
I'm happy for them, seriously. But the happiness comes with a tinge of ...I don't know...a feeling you get when you're choking on tears...
I just can't let it go now, can I...wishy washy soul...
Randy "Macho Man" Savage passed away after driving his automobile into a tree. A saddening loss for many wrestling fans around the globe, and needless to say Randy's family and friends whom he had wrestled with or against.
Bret "The Hitman" Hart voiced out in Facebook, "I have no words to say. This one hits me hard. We lost one of the best". I believe many would share his views.
I'm not the biggest fan of Randy Savage, but I admire the man's near unparalleled charisma when cutting a promo and his prowess in the ring.
Probably Randy's last promo...Ooh Yeah~~~
R.I.P Randy "Macho Man" Savage. Thank you for the memories...
Speaking of wrestling, another legend is possibly on the verge of retirement, and he's none other than the man I've always looked up to, Mark Calaway a.k.a The Undertaker.
I just couldn't help it but feel a little unnerving to know that he's retiring. We all know that day is inevitable...but the creatures of the night definitely dreaded for the day to come.
But during these past few years, 'Taker's taken some pretty bad bumps and old injuries kept nagging on...and he'll take some time off spanning over months and can possibly last for almost a year after each wrestling appearance. 'Taker fans wanna see him in action, but I know that everybody, including me would rather him to have a proper rest and not strain his body too much.
With all the factors stated above, Undertaker is only seen in action a couple of times in a year, and out of those handful, maybe only one or two of 'em will have him wrestling to cut down the toll taken on his body.
The fans all probably knew that the Phenom doesn't have much time left in the ring.
Sources state that 'Taker's currently semi-retired, but it's highly possible that he'll leave in the near future...or even next year when he will extend his Wrestlemania streak to 20-0 (we shall ASSUME).
If retiring is equals to a healthier life for Mark, I strongly believe that every single creature of the night would rather have it that way.
The number one subject for the past few weeks and perhaps still ongoing has to be the general election. PAP rules for the next 5 years again...I'm neither complaining nor celebrating for I'm not very interested in the government/politics and stuff.
Though I have to more or less know something due to the solid fact that I'm growing older and there are things the government does that will affect me.
Well, I do care about one issue regarding the Aljunied GRC. Sad to say (happy for most people I guess), WP claimed the Aljunied GRC.
Sad because I felt like I lost a friend. Not that he bought me candies or anything every time we meet, but Mr Zainul has always been a great guy who would put up a big smile and interacts with people very well. There had been many occasions in which I got to meet him up close because my mum's into the whole RC thing and they tend to organize events with him being the guest-of-honor. I got to shake his hand, exchanged brief words and turns out that he's a really jolly fella'.
I dunno if people will be saying that he's merely putting up a front to rally support prior to the next election, but from my point of view, the way he interacted with me and the residents seemed genuinely out his heart, and I still wanna believe that.
People sang praises of Mr George Yeo, even pro-opposition citizens. I can't comment much, because I'm pretty oblivious when it comes to the contributions and stuff until I read them up. But the people know.
So perhaps you can say that I'm a pro-PAP for now despite my earlier statement expressing my indifference. Another reason that I'm pro-PAP for now is because Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew's aging, and let us be frank, he doesn't have many open chapters left in his life.
So like I said before to some of my friends, I would like him to at least "go in peace".
But of course, not everybody thinks likewise. Many Singaporeans started criticizing his statements and way of running things in the government.
I've read posts and comments regarding how PAP's lining their wallets at our expense, I acknowledge some of them but just couldn't help but feel disheartening to see people, especially my friends using extreme terms to discredit PAP, and even the ministers, when the people themselves possibly have a part to play in those issues. I mean, you can question their management but you don't have to scold them like they killed your dog...
I'm not blaming the people for their resentment...but what I don't like was that many people are angry and are voting for the opposition for the wrong reason from my perspective.
There are people who are angry because they are not satisfied with their lives now with so much to pay for a.k.a high standards of living.
But there are people who voted for the right reasons (I hope), as in they want more opposition in the parliament to voice out, so things would be somewhat balance out, and matters can be looked into more efficiently. True the government has to hold certain responsibilities for the arousing problems. But the most important thing to do before people start pointing fingers at the government, is to reflect on oneself...
Had a long talk with my bro, and we started analyzing the issues...
The following are both my brother's and my thoughts, if you think otherwise...well, that's fine. One can disagree but I have no intentions of starting a heated debate here.
***
Foreign talents "stealing" jobs:
Singaporeans get paid to work. DUH?! But as time goes by, and the employee left the company for various reasons, if they intend to continue in that field, they would look for the jobs and request for a pay equals to, if not more than what he was paid previously.
That's reasonable considering you had gained more experience from working in another company before.
Then, my bro and I assumed that someone triggered a trend whereby one would work in a company and as soon as the contract ends, he would decline to renew his contract (if he had the choice) and start looking for a job in another company, requesting for a higher pay...
He would then work till the contract ends, and off he goes to another company asking for a higher pay than the former. This cycle goes on...and more people sees this opportunity to earn more money, and thus started doing so.
"I had to do it due to the rising standards of living", they thought...
The employer sees the trend and they would of course employ the foreign workers who can deliver as much but at a lower rate.
The unemployed grumble and asked, "Why?".
The employers answered, "Why not?"
So regarding the increasing numbers of foreigners getting employed instead of Singaporeans, both the employers and the employees are to be responsible...
***
The road tax:
The number of cars is increasing in Singapore and I doubt nobody noticed this.
So the government erected ERP gantries, initially around town areas to in a sense control the number of cars getting in and out. As a result, there were lesser congestion in those areas.
Granted...
So when people feels the pinch to spend some bucks going through the gantry, they've decided to take a detour which would land them in the same place but escaping the system.
It wouldn't be long before most people realized that, and more people started using the the roads free from the ERP. Now those "free roads" would have heavier traffic because nobody wanted to pay the toll.
Government raised new gantries on those roads.
People will start looking for "free roads" and as a result, congestion will build up again on those roads and gantries will be implemented. This kept up and thus almost everywhere we go, we see the ERP.
Again, people blame the government for taxing them too much. Well, why can't they blame the ones who contributed to the congestion unnecessarily? There are those who really need a vehicle to travel long distance nearly everyday, but what about those who don't really need it but still owns one?
What I heard from my bro, is that now more people are capable of driving a car courtesy to the COE or something that pertains to it.
So as many people wanna enjoy the luxury of driving despite not necessarily needing it, the number of cars is definitely rising mad.
***
I can't really remember everything that we talked...I was kinda sleepy that night.
Anyway, a lot of problems boils down to 2 choices..."Need to Have?", "Want to Have?" People tend to not make the correct choices at times. A good example my bro stated...
Food, is it a "Need to Have?" or "Want to Have?"
I said "Need to Have?"...and he corrected my way of thinking. He said both.
People need to eat, but people CHOOSE to eat good food that are costly, but still serves the same purpose as a plate of chicken rice which costs so much cheaper. You eat, fill your stomach and you defecate...
Regardless of what you eat, no matter how expensive it cost, it will still exit your body as nothing more than a pile of shit.
But people sometimes would still choose to eat expensive good food which at times can barely fill your stomach, rather than something more filling and inexpensive.
That's why I feel that Singaporeans should really think about things before pointing their gun barrels at the government. It's always easy to point fingers at other people, but never ourselves. We, the Singaporeans contributed to the costly standards of living. Vendors sees the rising demand, damn right they will exploit the opportunity to earn our money we so willingly pay, and this rule applies for many things around us.
As business picks up, and with the resources required processing them thinning, the price would definitely go up, and yet people are still willing to pay.
Although I do agree that the government has a part to play, we the people should also start making things right.
The above are my thoughts and I'm putting them up despite having a feeling that people from different standpoints will be flaming me for my comments.
Something I've experienced over the years...
If you are in support of something, you'll find 100 ways to praise it. People who didn't like it, would come up with 100 ways to criticize it, and 1000 ways to make it sound as worthless as possible. The supporters will then find 1100 ways to give it credit, and more to fight back...
That is when disagreement builds up and eventually a push would come to a shove.
When I read your reply, I was really happy. I could literally picture how you said it. Although in the message you asked, "You are?"...but no matter, it's good enough.
Probably the reason you replied to the message was because you didn't know it's me...
What if you knew that it was me? Would you still give me a reply?
Now that I think of it, it was almost a year ago I sent you the first message between us...it was an apologetic sms...
You never replied...
The next time I sent you a message was when my brother had 2 tickets to Jacky Wu's performance in Singapore. I thought that I could use the chance to close the rift between us, thus I decided to ask you first.
You never replied to that either...
Perhaps...you've never forgiven me, that's why my contact number was never recorded in your phone. Thus not knowing that it was me who greeted you via sms.
Nonetheless, I'm elated and grateful that you replied to my sms this time, with or without your knowledge that it was me on the other end. It brought comfort to my heart. Thank you...and this is possibly the first time I'm saying this to you on the day itself...
Thank you to everybody who sent forth your greetings, as usual, they are greatly appreciated. Also, thank you to the birthday song from the night cycling clique...it's been quite a while since I've heard that song with my name in it. It felt like I still have a small place in most my peers' hearts, despite taking loads of shit from me...other than being thankful, I have no idea how else can I express myself.
Thank y'all...
Of course, there's still one person whom I wish to receive the message from. The odds are rather low, but I'm still hoping...
FUSION has come and gone, which means I'm finally out of NYP. Thank you to all who came visiting. Despite not receiving many guests at my booth, I guess I'm still happy.
...
Looking back, I can't help but feel a little sentimental. It's not exactly something that one will expect coming out from my mouth, but that word pretty much sums up stuff.
About 3 years ago, I'm just a freshie stepping into the gates of NYP, having minor doubts about the future, and deciding not to make too many friends for fear of some sort of deja vu dating all the way back to the younger days.
Well, I succeeded...that was until when orientation took place, and I started talking to people.
Guess it's not easy being alone eh...
Now that I think about it, I'm glad I spoke to them then, otherwise, I'm not sure how am I gonna make it through these 3 years. Thank you, my friends...I'm really, really glad to have met all y'all.
Of course, the lecturers played a big part in my poly life as well. Especially Ms Gail, who had enlightened most if not all of the '08 batch. An amazing woman who will never run you down not matter how rotten you are. Her encouragements are priceless, and regardless of who you are, she will gladly give you advice on many matters.
She said that she's proud of us, and I'm grateful to have a mentor like her. Thank you so much, Ms Gail.
A little too much dosage of nostalgia perhaps...
Feeling a little lonely all of the sudden, especially when it comes to friends going their own ways. It's not a farewell for good, but meeting up will not be easy.
Another contributing factor is no secret. I have lain down my last card, with my thoughts and wishes penned down on it, in hopes that she will read them and grant me my last request. If she does, I would have found the much needed closure which I have been seeking for over a year...
Nonetheless, congratulations to all my friends graduated and those soon graduating, I'll be looking forward to our next meetings. Good luck and take care...
Not too long ago, another question was answered...
It seems like a friend of mine got together with her...
...
If I say that I'm not jealous, I would be lying. Jealousy is inevitable. I'm happy to know that she will be in good hands, but I can't shake off the sharp pain in me.
I've repeatedly told myself that I just wanna mend our friendship, and I still wish for that...but that didn't make me feel any better. It's tough to let go. The feeling I have for her was one-sided all along...can't blame anyone but myself for my wishful thinking. It's really agonizing...
I recall saying this before, and I'll say it again...as long as she's happy, I'm fine with it. In fact, I have no rights to object this issue...I'm just another guy whom she got to know, but not someone who can necessarily provide her with everything she needs.
Who knows? Perhaps my friend is the one who can give her the warmth and support I'm not capable of giving.
I realize that I have bigger things at hand and now is not really the time to be doing all this stuff...
First of all, thank you to each and everyone of you who have taken the time to answer my doubts in any way. The weight tying me down is gradually getting lighter, courtesy to y'all who have stepped into my life and made me feel I am worthy to be a friend.
From the bottom of my heart, I thank y'all...
I can never say enough thank you. Just when I thought I was the most rotten soul in this accursed world, there would always be people who will show me the way...I'm really grateful for that.
...
...
Despite finding closure to an issue which had been bothering me for some time, I still feel kinda...unfulfilled and fed up with myself .
For months, I could only get to know how was she doing through my friends...never once did I actually approach her and ask her myself. Even today, only after asking a mutual friend of ours did I know about her situation.
I wished I could give her a hand...I budged, but I didn't reach her side. All I could do the whole time was to take short glances at her. But with every glance, I would think about what happened 8 months ago, when our friendship took a downturn...I couldn't help but arouse fear that she might get upset should I get too close.
I wanted to say something, but nothing came into mind, and I didn't know how or where to start...
By the end of the day, all I could do was to see her walk away. It's another 24 hours filled with regrets...regrets of not being able to close the rift between us.
For someone who can't speak up in her presence, I can only do my talking here.
...
The odds of her seeing this is pretty much zilch, but...
As I was gathering with my friends more and more frequently nowadays, a question long forgotten popped up in my head again...
A question that was never answered properly...
The question is, "Do you guys hate me?".
Seriously now, after the past few gatherings, no doubt I'm happy, but what about the people around me? I've been drifting further apart from everybody. As the conversation thins among us, I can't help but feel as if I'm slowly making an exit to the clique (again...).
I've always appreciated darkness, but such darkness is too terrifying for the likes of me. It's not long ago this question reemerged in my mind.
I wanted to get it off my mind and ask everybody this question, but as usual...I'm afraid of the negative response. Reality is harsh, we have to face it, but not everybody can accept it. I'm feeling more and more like a weakling of sorts, I don't dare to voice my thoughts face to face when it comes to a serious conversation pertaining me. Regardless if it's to my family, my peers, or the one I love...my thoughts can only go up my throat, but never out of my mouth...
That is why, I've decided to post it up here...the only place I can let people know what I'm thinking without me hesitating.
For those who sees the question, has the answer and wanna tell me about it, please do. If you wanna keep it to yourself, I'm fine with it.
The second consecutive birthday post, and the lucky soul is none other than the posh madame of DMD '08, Angeline!
A happy belated birthday to you, and thank you for inviting me over for the Halloween birthday party. Pardon me for my lack of creativity in my costumes...
Anyways, I've enjoyed your party very much and hoped that you did too.
It's one helluva party. There's friends crowding around downing beer and talking stuff. The best part's gotta be the ghost story session, with Kah Fai as the main storyteller and I loved every single one of it, regardless of it's genuine values.
So a big thank you, and happy birthday once again. Cheers and cares.
A very happy birthday to Sean. Celebrated his belated 17 today with a big gang related to him one way or another.
Hoped he liked it.
Besides being Sean's birthday, it's one of my happiest day in these few months...
Went back to NYP for a lecture, and I got to meet her. This will be the first time in months I've ever seen her after the incident. It's mixed emotions.
I'm really happy to be able to see her again, and I was lucky to be able to get a small glimpse of her warm smile...though that smile is not directed at me, I feel as if I'm whole again.
We still didn't spoke, and I think the rift had yet get any closer.
Despite still acting like strangers, I was really elated, that kinda summarized my feelings then...well, a big part of me is definitely over the moon.
But there's another part of me, that felt anxiety and slight fear...I'm getting afraid. Day by day I'm thinking if this is how things are going for the rest of the days.
I don't want that...
I wanna be her friend again. Not just a friend who only exist on her friend list and nothing else...I wanna be a friend like before, talking about anything under the sun.
However, I can't afford to make another mistake...
I really hope that she's only avoiding me (if she is...) because of the awkwardness, and not because she hates me...
But...is this really how things are going to continue for the remaining time?
Thanks to Wei Liang, I've finally gotten the jacket I have always wanted. However, it's a little too big for me. Yeah, that kinda sucked...that means I would have to wait for another 2 years after NS before I'll be able to fit in nicely, that is if I DO grow during that 2 years.
My intention was to consult a tailor and trim it down a little, but the dowager at home dissuaded me as she thought that one wrong move and I would have to discard the whole jacket...
...I obediently took her advice, and as a result, I shall patiently bide my time...
Anyways, a song I started taking notice quite recently, and needless to say, I liked it...
Yes...it's going to be yet another moody post, despite this being the first update after a while.
I think many people are sick of hearing me saying the same old stuff over and over again, but that's the life I have been leading. I reminisce on everything and anything - usually negative - that happened in my life.
Now I know that it's not really a healthy hobby, but I can't help brooding over issues, for I'm not good at letting go. Be it joy, grudges, or regrets, loads of em etched themselves into my mind. Of course, I don't have to elaborate which of the most troubling issues I've been recollecting these months.
People told me to get a grip, and forget about it for holding onto it will do me nothing good, especially when I'm the passive type and didn't really do much of anything to redeem my undoings.
Well, that's how good I'm at dealing with issues such as relationships.
It's good to see that at least she's active on Facebook. We still didn't talk, although I did hover my mouse cursor over to her tab, and all that I'm left to do is to click on it and type something...
I didn't...
I'm still afraid. Afraid of rejection, afraid of her cold shoulder, afraid that my initiative may change her mood for the worse.
I just wanna know if she's doing fine these days. I mean, I could have at least asked one of her friends whom I hanged out with for the last few sessions with the rest of my peers...but I didn't do so.
I've thought of a couple of answers she might say, and I'm kinda afraid that she might say that it's none of my business or something of sorts.
It's a gamble, but I couldn't take the risk. I don't know what will happen should I lost the bet. I'll be frank...I've been feeling kinda okay because I have my peers around. I appreciate them being there with me and sharing the joy, but occasionally, my mind would drift away and the next thing I know, I would be thinking of her again...and I would just stop enjoying myself...
That happened on certain nights when I'm lying on my bed thinking of random things. And when thoughts of her flashed into my mind, I just couldn't stop cursing myself for everything.
I reckon that some of my friends are starting to get sick and tired of me spoiling the party. I recognize that and yet I'm still doing it.
I apologize to all those whom are disgusted by my sudden mood swings and dislike the fact that me being a wet blanket like always.
I remembered somebody told me that girls dislike guys who keep apologizing as he would seem weak. That maybe a good point from a female perspective, but I'm doing it nonetheless, for me looking weak is no longer that much of a issue since many of my peers had already seen it or probably knew about it.
As long as I think what I'm doing is right, and so long I'm able to let her feel more at ease, I'm willing to be a weakling...
It's been more than a month, and things didn't turn any better...
Instead, I'm beginning to feel that people around me may be starting to look at me in a different manner. I believe a handful of people knew about what happened, and due to my actions, I'm shot down with negative impressions.
Perhaps my paranoia's acting up again, but from my point of view, these unwelcoming emotions could be happening.
Because of what I did and didn't really dared to step up and make further amendments, I felt like a coward who didn't had the balls to stand up undo some damage.
I said my intentions were nothing more than wanting to be friends, but I didn't support my wish with sufficient action, and for that, people would deem me as a person who would not uphold his promises.
But I tried...
Not really a lot of effort put in, but I tried...
I'm pretty much exhausted, and if I overdo things, I might make the situation even worse...a scenario which I would stay away from.
But it's really saddening...it's deja vu, history now repeated itself, and I'm powerless before it. I'm held back by many phobias, and thus I'm not able to successfully redeem our friendship well.
It really hurts, when I see you turn away from me...
I know that I've done something that might had caused you great unrest, and I kinda figured that you might avoid me for that...but what I didn't figure is how painful it will be.
I don't blame you for the actions you had taken, it's all my rash and selfish self which craves your presence that had created so much drama between us.
As much as I wanna say that I will respect your decisions, I can't take any more of this.
Corny as it sounds, but I'm gonna put it down...
I want to see your smile. I want to hear your voice. I want to be by your side...
However, my current intentions are nothing more than hoping that we can be back as friends...just friends. Whether or not we're able to continue further from that shall not be the priority. But I don't know how to start things out.
I'm afraid of rejection...
I'm afraid of being ignored...
The one issue which dragged on for 7 years had dealt many blows to my heart...and honestly, I'm not sure how much more I can take...
It's been a month since we had talked to each other like friends...and I really dreaded this feeling of not even being able to be present in her life, for fear that she might get distracted.
Perhaps I'm just being paranoid, but I can't shake the thought of her getting uneasy with my appearance.
Putting the courtship aside, not sure for how long or whether if I will be able to enter that stage again, I really wish that we can be friends again just like back in the past when we could speak with each other and have a round of laughter without any awkwardness...
I will try my best to put down the paranoia and start things out between us, as friends again...and hopefully, you will grant me one more chance.
