Hate me? Figured so...

It's been more than a month, and things didn't turn any better...

Instead, I'm beginning to feel that people around me may be starting to look at me in a different manner. I believe a handful of people knew about what happened, and due to my actions, I'm shot down with negative impressions.

Perhaps my paranoia's acting up again, but from my point of view, these unwelcoming emotions could be happening.

Because of what I did and didn't really dared to step up and make further amendments, I felt like a coward who didn't had the balls to stand up undo some damage.

I said my intentions were nothing more than wanting to be friends, but I didn't support my wish with sufficient action, and for that, people would deem me as a person who would not uphold his promises.

But I tried...

Not really a lot of effort put in, but I tried...

I'm pretty much exhausted, and if I overdo things, I might make the situation even worse...a scenario which I would stay away from.

But it's really saddening...it's deja vu, history now repeated itself, and I'm powerless before it. I'm held back by many phobias, and thus I'm not able to successfully redeem our friendship well.

Retribution...

Drained...

It really hurts, when I see you turn away from me...

I know that I've done something that might had caused you great unrest, and I kinda figured that you might avoid me for that...but what I didn't figure is how painful it will be.

I don't blame you for the actions you had taken, it's all my rash and selfish self which craves your presence that had created so much drama between us.

As much as I wanna say that I will respect your decisions, I can't take any more of this.

Corny as it sounds, but I'm gonna put it down...

I want to see your smile. I want to hear your voice. I want to be by your side...

However, my current intentions are nothing more than hoping that we can be back as friends...just friends. Whether or not we're able to continue further from that shall not be the priority. But I don't know how to start things out.

I'm afraid of rejection...

I'm afraid of being ignored...

The one issue which dragged on for 7 years had dealt many blows to my heart...and honestly, I'm not sure how much more I can take...

I...I'm at my wit's end...

Back as friends?

It's been a month since we had talked to each other like friends...and I really dreaded this feeling of not even being able to be present in her life, for fear that she might get distracted.

Perhaps I'm just being paranoid, but I can't shake the thought of her getting uneasy with my appearance.

Putting the courtship aside, not sure for how long or whether if I will be able to enter that stage again, I really wish that we can be friends again just like back in the past when we could speak with each other and have a round of laughter without any awkwardness...

I will try my best to put down the paranoia and start things out between us, as friends again...and hopefully, you will grant me one more chance.