A small wish.

All I wanted was to talk to you face to face one more time. I'm not sure if it's going to be the last time, but I've decided to set things right.

I'm not gonna say how much I like you and how stupid I was to try and rush things without even getting to know you more, but I just wanna apologize about that day when our friendship took a downturn, and to apologize about how I never actually went up to you and said, "Hi" when I had the chance.

Awkwardness is my reason, but I believe it's still something that I should feel apologetic about...

I went to the bus stop near your house today and waited, hoping that when you turn up, I would finally be able to undo a little damage done to the friendship between you and I.

But I missed you...I did not see you anywhere...

I know it's not easy to face someone who had made you feel uneasy for the past few occasions, but I really hope that the day when I can finally speak to you and calm things down will arrive soon.

Please...please just give me one chance, one more chance to speak to you...

Should that be the last time we ever speak, at least let me leave with this problem resolved so that you and I will encounter less discomfort the next time we meet...

Hatred towards me, I, myself...

I seriously hate my own guts - so cowardly and indecisive...

Can't help it.

I know this is not the best time to be worrying about a partner, but those thoughts just keep flowing in and out off my mind.

As mush as I wanna say that I'm happy to see her, well I am...except for the fact that we didn't speak to each other and things seemed to have made a turn for the worse.

I'm feeling real uneasy...

I wanna apologize to her for my actions then, despite having apologized over the web before...but I've always felt that saying things face to face would work out better. Unfortunately, I didn't had the opportunity. I had a bad feeling that just like my first love, I'm gradually falling off her league of friends...that's definitely the last thing I wish to see it happen.

The feeling is awful...but of course if that's her decision, I will respect that...although I seriously hope that such a dreadful scenario will not take place.

I'm not sure what are the odds of her finding this blog, nonetheless I'm going to put my thoughts down in words here...

I'm sorry...

Contented.

School started today, and it's great to see many of my friends back in the same old building.

As usual, I woke up with conflicted emotions, but everything seemed to have calmed down a bit when I meet more and more familiar faces along the way...

And seeing her again today with that glimpse of her smile kinda brought peace to my soul completely. We did not spoke to each other, but I'm just as happy getting to see her...

Will I fail again?

I think I just made the situation even worse...

A decision was made for me to be selfish this one time, so I attempted to find out if the feeling I'm having is "the love"...but it looks like my actions backfired on me.

Things were okay for the first time, but not for the second...I think my presence made her feel uneasy during the whole trip.

Perhaps I've been too rash?

But I couldn't help it, I just wanna spend a lil more time with her. However...I don't know how to put my emotions in words. The words were in my throat, but I didn't manage to say it. I just wanna send her home one more time...but my intentions were not voiced out.

Did her impression of me just got worse...I couldn't help but keep thinking about it.

It's my fault for not asking first if she had anybody she held in her heart...but being too blunt might frighten her as well, for such issues are best kept secret for girls until they are ready to speak.

I've been trying not to be too straightforward due to past experiences from my first love...my confession of who my first love was only made matters worse. We seldom spoke to each other on normal occasions, and after the confession...we spoke even less.

The awkwardness...

Eventually, I think not only did I fail to win her heart, I had also lost her as a friend in a sense that...I think I'm totally out of her world, not even in her rank of friends...

Thus my inability to voice out my feelings...

The experience yesterday and the result that turned out at the end of the day kind of mirror what happened the day after my confession to my first love...

What to do...I'm a total wimp when it comes to relationships.

I'm clueless...

I'm helpless...

I'm restless...

The struggle just got even tougher.

After a painful period of 7 years, I've finally met someone who can warm my heart...I really don't want to lose her without trying.

But what are the odds of me succeeding?

What are the possibilities?