Harsh Truth...

Not too long ago, another question was answered...

It seems like a friend of mine got together with her...

...

If I say that I'm not jealous, I would be lying. Jealousy is inevitable. I'm happy to know that she will be in good hands, but I can't shake off the sharp pain in me.

I've repeatedly told myself that I just wanna mend our friendship, and I still wish for that...but that didn't make me feel any better. It's tough to let go. The feeling I have for her was one-sided all along...can't blame anyone but myself for my wishful thinking.

It's really agonizing...

I recall saying this before, and I'll say it again...as long as she's happy, I'm fine with it. In fact, I have no rights to object this issue...I'm just another guy whom she got to know, but not someone who can necessarily provide her with everything she needs.

Who knows? Perhaps my friend is the one who can give her the warmth and support I'm not capable of giving.

I realize that I have bigger things at hand and now is not really the time to be doing all this stuff...

I don't know...I'm at a total loss now...

Happy Birthday to Shan!

Happy Birthday to you, Shan. It's a simple meal but hope you liked it.

Relieved...NOT!

First of all, thank you to each and everyone of you who have taken the time to answer my doubts in any way. The weight tying me down is gradually getting lighter, courtesy to y'all who have stepped into my life and made me feel I am worthy to be a friend.

From the bottom of my heart, I thank y'all...

I can never say enough thank you. Just when I thought I was the most rotten soul in this accursed world, there would always be people who will show me the way...I'm really grateful for that.

...

...

Despite finding closure to an issue which had been bothering me for some time, I still feel kinda...unfulfilled and fed up with myself .

For months, I could only get to know how was she doing through my friends...never once did I actually approach her and ask her myself. Even today, only after asking a mutual friend of ours did I know about her situation.

I wished I could give her a hand...I budged, but I didn't reach her side. All I could do the whole time was to take short glances at her. But with every glance, I would think about what happened 8 months ago, when our friendship took a downturn...I couldn't help but arouse fear that she might get upset should I get too close.

I wanted to say something, but nothing came into mind, and I didn't know how or where to start...

By the end of the day, all I could do was to see her walk away. It's another 24 hours filled with regrets...regrets of not being able to close the rift between us.

For someone who can't speak up in her presence, I can only do my talking here.

...

The odds of her seeing this is pretty much zilch, but...

Get well soon...

Struggles for answers...

As I was gathering with my friends more and more frequently nowadays, a question long forgotten popped up in my head again...

A question that was never answered properly...

The question is, "Do you guys hate me?".

Seriously now, after the past few gatherings, no doubt I'm happy, but what about the people around me? I've been drifting further apart from everybody. As the conversation thins among us, I can't help but feel as if I'm slowly making an exit to the clique (again...).

I've always appreciated darkness, but such darkness is too terrifying for the likes of me. It's not long ago this question reemerged in my mind.

I wanted to get it off my mind and ask everybody this question, but as usual...I'm afraid of the negative response. Reality is harsh, we have to face it, but not everybody can accept it. I'm feeling more and more like a weakling of sorts, I don't dare to voice my thoughts face to face when it comes to a serious conversation pertaining me. Regardless if it's to my family, my peers, or the one I love...my thoughts can only go up my throat, but never out of my mouth...

That is why, I've decided to post it up here...the only place I can let people know what I'm thinking without me hesitating.

For those who sees the question, has the answer and wanna tell me about it, please do. If you wanna keep it to yourself, I'm fine with it.

However...please be honest...

Happy Birthday, Angeline!

The second consecutive birthday post, and the lucky soul is none other than the posh madame of DMD '08, Angeline!

A happy belated birthday to you, and thank you for inviting me over for the Halloween birthday party. Pardon me for my lack of creativity in my costumes...

Anyways, I've enjoyed your party very much and hoped that you did too.

It's one helluva party. There's friends crowding around downing beer and talking stuff. The best part's gotta be the ghost story session, with Kah Fai as the main storyteller and I loved every single one of it, regardless of it's genuine values.

So a big thank you, and happy birthday once again. Cheers and cares.

...

360 degrees~~~

Happy Birthday, Sean!

A very happy birthday to Sean. Celebrated his belated 17 today with a big gang related to him one way or another.

Hoped he liked it.

Besides being Sean's birthday, it's one of my happiest day in these few months...

Went back to NYP for a lecture, and I got to meet her. This will be the first time in months I've ever seen her after the incident. It's mixed emotions.

I'm really happy to be able to see her again, and I was lucky to be able to get a small glimpse of her warm smile...though that smile is not directed at me, I feel as if I'm whole again.

We still didn't spoke, and I think the rift had yet get any closer.

Despite still acting like strangers, I was really elated, that kinda summarized my feelings then...well, a big part of me is definitely over the moon.

But there's another part of me, that felt anxiety and slight fear...I'm getting afraid. Day by day I'm thinking if this is how things are going for the rest of the days.

I don't want that...

I wanna be her friend again. Not just a friend who only exist on her friend list and nothing else...I wanna be a friend like before, talking about anything under the sun.

However, I can't afford to make another mistake...

I really hope that she's only avoiding me (if she is...) because of the awkwardness, and not because she hates me...

But...is this really how things are going to continue for the remaining time?

Leather joy...

Thanks to Wei Liang, I've finally gotten the jacket I have always wanted. However, it's a little too big for me. Yeah, that kinda sucked...that means I would have to wait for another 2 years after NS before I'll be able to fit in nicely, that is if I DO grow during that 2 years.

My intention was to consult a tailor and trim it down a little, but the dowager at home dissuaded me as she thought that one wrong move and I would have to discard the whole jacket...

...I obediently took her advice, and as a result, I shall patiently bide my time...

Anyways, a song I started taking notice quite recently, and needless to say, I liked it...

A song of Raymond Lam...

Unhappiness overdose...

Yes...it's going to be yet another moody post, despite this being the first update after a while.

I think many people are sick of hearing me saying the same old stuff over and over again, but that's the life I have been leading. I reminisce on everything and anything - usually negative - that happened in my life.

Now I know that it's not really a healthy hobby, but I can't help brooding over issues, for I'm not good at letting go. Be it joy, grudges, or regrets, loads of em etched themselves into my mind. Of course, I don't have to elaborate which of the most troubling issues I've been recollecting these months.

People told me to get a grip, and forget about it for holding onto it will do me nothing good, especially when I'm the passive type and didn't really do much of anything to redeem my undoings.

Well, that's how good I'm at dealing with issues such as relationships.

It's good to see that at least she's active on Facebook. We still didn't talk, although I did hover my mouse cursor over to her tab, and all that I'm left to do is to click on it and type something...

I didn't...

I'm still afraid. Afraid of rejection, afraid of her cold shoulder, afraid that my initiative may change her mood for the worse.

I just wanna know if she's doing fine these days. I mean, I could have at least asked one of her friends whom I hanged out with for the last few sessions with the rest of my peers...but I didn't do so.

I've thought of a couple of answers she might say, and I'm kinda afraid that she might say that it's none of my business or something of sorts.

It's a gamble, but I couldn't take the risk. I don't know what will happen should I lost the bet. I'll be frank...I've been feeling kinda okay because I have my peers around. I appreciate them being there with me and sharing the joy, but occasionally, my mind would drift away and the next thing I know, I would be thinking of her again...and I would just stop enjoying myself...

That happened on certain nights when I'm lying on my bed thinking of random things. And when thoughts of her flashed into my mind, I just couldn't stop cursing myself for everything.

I reckon that some of my friends are starting to get sick and tired of me spoiling the party. I recognize that and yet I'm still doing it.

I apologize to all those whom are disgusted by my sudden mood swings and dislike the fact that me being a wet blanket like always.

I remembered somebody told me that girls dislike guys who keep apologizing as he would seem weak. That maybe a good point from a female perspective, but I'm doing it nonetheless, for me looking weak is no longer that much of a issue since many of my peers had already seen it or probably knew about it.

As long as I think what I'm doing is right, and so long I'm able to let her feel more at ease, I'm willing to be a weakling...

Hate me? Figured so...

It's been more than a month, and things didn't turn any better...

Instead, I'm beginning to feel that people around me may be starting to look at me in a different manner. I believe a handful of people knew about what happened, and due to my actions, I'm shot down with negative impressions.

Perhaps my paranoia's acting up again, but from my point of view, these unwelcoming emotions could be happening.

Because of what I did and didn't really dared to step up and make further amendments, I felt like a coward who didn't had the balls to stand up undo some damage.

I said my intentions were nothing more than wanting to be friends, but I didn't support my wish with sufficient action, and for that, people would deem me as a person who would not uphold his promises.

But I tried...

Not really a lot of effort put in, but I tried...

I'm pretty much exhausted, and if I overdo things, I might make the situation even worse...a scenario which I would stay away from.

But it's really saddening...it's deja vu, history now repeated itself, and I'm powerless before it. I'm held back by many phobias, and thus I'm not able to successfully redeem our friendship well.

Retribution...

Drained...

It really hurts, when I see you turn away from me...

I know that I've done something that might had caused you great unrest, and I kinda figured that you might avoid me for that...but what I didn't figure is how painful it will be.

I don't blame you for the actions you had taken, it's all my rash and selfish self which craves your presence that had created so much drama between us.

As much as I wanna say that I will respect your decisions, I can't take any more of this.

Corny as it sounds, but I'm gonna put it down...

I want to see your smile. I want to hear your voice. I want to be by your side...

However, my current intentions are nothing more than hoping that we can be back as friends...just friends. Whether or not we're able to continue further from that shall not be the priority. But I don't know how to start things out.

I'm afraid of rejection...

I'm afraid of being ignored...

The one issue which dragged on for 7 years had dealt many blows to my heart...and honestly, I'm not sure how much more I can take...

I...I'm at my wit's end...

Back as friends?

It's been a month since we had talked to each other like friends...and I really dreaded this feeling of not even being able to be present in her life, for fear that she might get distracted.

Perhaps I'm just being paranoid, but I can't shake the thought of her getting uneasy with my appearance.

Putting the courtship aside, not sure for how long or whether if I will be able to enter that stage again, I really wish that we can be friends again just like back in the past when we could speak with each other and have a round of laughter without any awkwardness...

I will try my best to put down the paranoia and start things out between us, as friends again...and hopefully, you will grant me one more chance.

A small wish.

All I wanted was to talk to you face to face one more time. I'm not sure if it's going to be the last time, but I've decided to set things right.

I'm not gonna say how much I like you and how stupid I was to try and rush things without even getting to know you more, but I just wanna apologize about that day when our friendship took a downturn, and to apologize about how I never actually went up to you and said, "Hi" when I had the chance.

Awkwardness is my reason, but I believe it's still something that I should feel apologetic about...

I went to the bus stop near your house today and waited, hoping that when you turn up, I would finally be able to undo a little damage done to the friendship between you and I.

But I missed you...I did not see you anywhere...

I know it's not easy to face someone who had made you feel uneasy for the past few occasions, but I really hope that the day when I can finally speak to you and calm things down will arrive soon.

Please...please just give me one chance, one more chance to speak to you...

Should that be the last time we ever speak, at least let me leave with this problem resolved so that you and I will encounter less discomfort the next time we meet...

Hatred towards me, I, myself...

I seriously hate my own guts - so cowardly and indecisive...

Can't help it.

I know this is not the best time to be worrying about a partner, but those thoughts just keep flowing in and out off my mind.

As mush as I wanna say that I'm happy to see her, well I am...except for the fact that we didn't speak to each other and things seemed to have made a turn for the worse.

I'm feeling real uneasy...

I wanna apologize to her for my actions then, despite having apologized over the web before...but I've always felt that saying things face to face would work out better. Unfortunately, I didn't had the opportunity. I had a bad feeling that just like my first love, I'm gradually falling off her league of friends...that's definitely the last thing I wish to see it happen.

The feeling is awful...but of course if that's her decision, I will respect that...although I seriously hope that such a dreadful scenario will not take place.

I'm not sure what are the odds of her finding this blog, nonetheless I'm going to put my thoughts down in words here...

I'm sorry...

Contented.

School started today, and it's great to see many of my friends back in the same old building.

As usual, I woke up with conflicted emotions, but everything seemed to have calmed down a bit when I meet more and more familiar faces along the way...

And seeing her again today with that glimpse of her smile kinda brought peace to my soul completely. We did not spoke to each other, but I'm just as happy getting to see her...

Will I fail again?

I think I just made the situation even worse...

A decision was made for me to be selfish this one time, so I attempted to find out if the feeling I'm having is "the love"...but it looks like my actions backfired on me.

Things were okay for the first time, but not for the second...I think my presence made her feel uneasy during the whole trip.

Perhaps I've been too rash?

But I couldn't help it, I just wanna spend a lil more time with her. However...I don't know how to put my emotions in words. The words were in my throat, but I didn't manage to say it. I just wanna send her home one more time...but my intentions were not voiced out.

Did her impression of me just got worse...I couldn't help but keep thinking about it.

It's my fault for not asking first if she had anybody she held in her heart...but being too blunt might frighten her as well, for such issues are best kept secret for girls until they are ready to speak.

I've been trying not to be too straightforward due to past experiences from my first love...my confession of who my first love was only made matters worse. We seldom spoke to each other on normal occasions, and after the confession...we spoke even less.

The awkwardness...

Eventually, I think not only did I fail to win her heart, I had also lost her as a friend in a sense that...I think I'm totally out of her world, not even in her rank of friends...

Thus my inability to voice out my feelings...

The experience yesterday and the result that turned out at the end of the day kind of mirror what happened the day after my confession to my first love...

What to do...I'm a total wimp when it comes to relationships.

I'm clueless...

I'm helpless...

I'm restless...

The struggle just got even tougher.

After a painful period of 7 years, I've finally met someone who can warm my heart...I really don't want to lose her without trying.

But what are the odds of me succeeding?

What are the possibilities?

Love? Friends?

It's been quite a while since I've felt this way...

This warmth...how long has it been...

I'm not sure if it's really love. Because of what I had experienced in the past, it's possible that I've got a lil phobia...but I just couldn't stop thinking about it...

It's the smile...the one smile which warmed my dark soul...

I feel the urge to see her smile occasionally, but I can't say for sure why. Especially when I saw that she's feeling down, I felt the need to lighten her up...

Is it all in order to see a smile, for my own sake? Or was it for her sake?

I can't answer that now. Maybe it's for myself after all...perhaps maybe it's all just an excuse and I'm in fact trying to be the one who brighten her day...

I'm in so much dilemma now...

Firstly, like I said I'm not sure if this is the "love" I've been searching for...

Secondly, I have no idea if she's got a partner, and of course I can't just blatantly ask her that, right?

Thirdly, someone of my status, character, mannerisms and past misdeeds...would I be given a chance?

Fourth, what if I tell her how I feel, and I would even lose her as a friend?

Lastly, I happened to know that today...someone's after her as well...this is the reason that held me back mostly. (I think that he would not be visiting this god forsaken place, thus I feel that I can safely note this down. Should he happen to read this...well I just hope that he knows that I'm not trying to sow discord or sour any relationships...)

I had always thought that so long the somebody I liked is happy, I don't mind letting my friend be her partner...I would give them both my blessings...

But I felt so empty thinking about that...

I'm afraid things would end up like my first love...an endless struggle. But I just can't let this feeling slide, and how can I ever break this news to my friend.

My soul is currently in a very chaotic situation...

Somebody...please help me...

19th year...

Quoting what Terry said, this year's the last year my age begins with a "1", the next year coming my age will begin with a "2".

Time really flies...

Back when I was younger, everyday seemed forever...but days come and go very quickly this recent years.

As usual, March 16 quietly went passed once more, but not without birthday wishes from my friends. I thank y'all out there for your birthday wishes, they are greatly appreciated...

Return The Hitman!

My first post in a long while shall be about wrestling again!

Firstly...Undertaker retains the World Heavyweight Championship against Rey Mysterio. What's next? Defending the title on the grandest stage of em all...Wrestlemania 26, and extending his undefeated streak further to 18-0.

Next, the long awaited return of Bret "The Hitman" Hart. I'm just a fresh fan of his since 2006 when he got inducted into the Hall Of Fame. That's when his entrance theme suddenly just clung onto me. Now that he's back in the WWE ring after 12 years since the Montreal Screwjob, and found closure with Shawn Michaels and Vince McMahon (both who had screwed Bret for real, resulting in his departure), all that's left for him to do is to slap the Sharpshooter onto Vince and finally send all the Hitman fans home happily.

Ok...wrestling aside, assignments are due this week and next. Though the amount of work to finish reduced greatly, there is still a small tinge of panic, for fear that shit might happen.

*Touchwood*

But no matter, shall work a lil harder than before to clear the workloads be it A or B...so long I'm rewarded fairly, I will not complain...at least not that much...

Happy (?) New Year

Countdown's over, and it's officially 2010...

...
...
...

So?

Kya~~~it's just that the dawn of a brand new year ain't as fun as before...it just felt like any other day. Tch...life is starting to bore me. No matter what year this world is welcoming...some things just won't go away as time passes.

Sins and misdoings...

A brand new year does nothing but remind me of many things that I wish I could just shut my mind out of...like how-many-years-ago, I did this and that to who. After which, I would do some self-reflection, repent and maybe punish myself a lil for my misdeeds, hoping that I would be able to cleanse myself of my sins one day. But you and me know that it's impossible.

I would just have to be burdened by the sins I've committed all my life till the day I can no longer welcome a new year...