Unhappiness overdose...

Yes...it's going to be yet another moody post, despite this being the first update after a while.

I think many people are sick of hearing me saying the same old stuff over and over again, but that's the life I have been leading. I reminisce on everything and anything - usually negative - that happened in my life.

Now I know that it's not really a healthy hobby, but I can't help brooding over issues, for I'm not good at letting go. Be it joy, grudges, or regrets, loads of em etched themselves into my mind. Of course, I don't have to elaborate which of the most troubling issues I've been recollecting these months.

People told me to get a grip, and forget about it for holding onto it will do me nothing good, especially when I'm the passive type and didn't really do much of anything to redeem my undoings.

Well, that's how good I'm at dealing with issues such as relationships.

It's good to see that at least she's active on Facebook. We still didn't talk, although I did hover my mouse cursor over to her tab, and all that I'm left to do is to click on it and type something...

I didn't...

I'm still afraid. Afraid of rejection, afraid of her cold shoulder, afraid that my initiative may change her mood for the worse.

I just wanna know if she's doing fine these days. I mean, I could have at least asked one of her friends whom I hanged out with for the last few sessions with the rest of my peers...but I didn't do so.

I've thought of a couple of answers she might say, and I'm kinda afraid that she might say that it's none of my business or something of sorts.

It's a gamble, but I couldn't take the risk. I don't know what will happen should I lost the bet. I'll be frank...I've been feeling kinda okay because I have my peers around. I appreciate them being there with me and sharing the joy, but occasionally, my mind would drift away and the next thing I know, I would be thinking of her again...and I would just stop enjoying myself...

That happened on certain nights when I'm lying on my bed thinking of random things. And when thoughts of her flashed into my mind, I just couldn't stop cursing myself for everything.

I reckon that some of my friends are starting to get sick and tired of me spoiling the party. I recognize that and yet I'm still doing it.

I apologize to all those whom are disgusted by my sudden mood swings and dislike the fact that me being a wet blanket like always.

I remembered somebody told me that girls dislike guys who keep apologizing as he would seem weak. That maybe a good point from a female perspective, but I'm doing it nonetheless, for me looking weak is no longer that much of a issue since many of my peers had already seen it or probably knew about it.

As long as I think what I'm doing is right, and so long I'm able to let her feel more at ease, I'm willing to be a weakling...

Hate me? Figured so...

It's been more than a month, and things didn't turn any better...

Instead, I'm beginning to feel that people around me may be starting to look at me in a different manner. I believe a handful of people knew about what happened, and due to my actions, I'm shot down with negative impressions.

Perhaps my paranoia's acting up again, but from my point of view, these unwelcoming emotions could be happening.

Because of what I did and didn't really dared to step up and make further amendments, I felt like a coward who didn't had the balls to stand up undo some damage.

I said my intentions were nothing more than wanting to be friends, but I didn't support my wish with sufficient action, and for that, people would deem me as a person who would not uphold his promises.

But I tried...

Not really a lot of effort put in, but I tried...

I'm pretty much exhausted, and if I overdo things, I might make the situation even worse...a scenario which I would stay away from.

But it's really saddening...it's deja vu, history now repeated itself, and I'm powerless before it. I'm held back by many phobias, and thus I'm not able to successfully redeem our friendship well.

Retribution...

Drained...

It really hurts, when I see you turn away from me...

I know that I've done something that might had caused you great unrest, and I kinda figured that you might avoid me for that...but what I didn't figure is how painful it will be.

I don't blame you for the actions you had taken, it's all my rash and selfish self which craves your presence that had created so much drama between us.

As much as I wanna say that I will respect your decisions, I can't take any more of this.

Corny as it sounds, but I'm gonna put it down...

I want to see your smile. I want to hear your voice. I want to be by your side...

However, my current intentions are nothing more than hoping that we can be back as friends...just friends. Whether or not we're able to continue further from that shall not be the priority. But I don't know how to start things out.

I'm afraid of rejection...

I'm afraid of being ignored...

The one issue which dragged on for 7 years had dealt many blows to my heart...and honestly, I'm not sure how much more I can take...

I...I'm at my wit's end...

Back as friends?

It's been a month since we had talked to each other like friends...and I really dreaded this feeling of not even being able to be present in her life, for fear that she might get distracted.

Perhaps I'm just being paranoid, but I can't shake the thought of her getting uneasy with my appearance.

Putting the courtship aside, not sure for how long or whether if I will be able to enter that stage again, I really wish that we can be friends again just like back in the past when we could speak with each other and have a round of laughter without any awkwardness...

I will try my best to put down the paranoia and start things out between us, as friends again...and hopefully, you will grant me one more chance.

A small wish.

All I wanted was to talk to you face to face one more time. I'm not sure if it's going to be the last time, but I've decided to set things right.

I'm not gonna say how much I like you and how stupid I was to try and rush things without even getting to know you more, but I just wanna apologize about that day when our friendship took a downturn, and to apologize about how I never actually went up to you and said, "Hi" when I had the chance.

Awkwardness is my reason, but I believe it's still something that I should feel apologetic about...

I went to the bus stop near your house today and waited, hoping that when you turn up, I would finally be able to undo a little damage done to the friendship between you and I.

But I missed you...I did not see you anywhere...

I know it's not easy to face someone who had made you feel uneasy for the past few occasions, but I really hope that the day when I can finally speak to you and calm things down will arrive soon.

Please...please just give me one chance, one more chance to speak to you...

Should that be the last time we ever speak, at least let me leave with this problem resolved so that you and I will encounter less discomfort the next time we meet...

Hatred towards me, I, myself...

I seriously hate my own guts - so cowardly and indecisive...

Can't help it.

I know this is not the best time to be worrying about a partner, but those thoughts just keep flowing in and out off my mind.

As mush as I wanna say that I'm happy to see her, well I am...except for the fact that we didn't speak to each other and things seemed to have made a turn for the worse.

I'm feeling real uneasy...

I wanna apologize to her for my actions then, despite having apologized over the web before...but I've always felt that saying things face to face would work out better. Unfortunately, I didn't had the opportunity. I had a bad feeling that just like my first love, I'm gradually falling off her league of friends...that's definitely the last thing I wish to see it happen.

The feeling is awful...but of course if that's her decision, I will respect that...although I seriously hope that such a dreadful scenario will not take place.

I'm not sure what are the odds of her finding this blog, nonetheless I'm going to put my thoughts down in words here...

I'm sorry...

Contented.

School started today, and it's great to see many of my friends back in the same old building.

As usual, I woke up with conflicted emotions, but everything seemed to have calmed down a bit when I meet more and more familiar faces along the way...

And seeing her again today with that glimpse of her smile kinda brought peace to my soul completely. We did not spoke to each other, but I'm just as happy getting to see her...

Will I fail again?

I think I just made the situation even worse...

A decision was made for me to be selfish this one time, so I attempted to find out if the feeling I'm having is "the love"...but it looks like my actions backfired on me.

Things were okay for the first time, but not for the second...I think my presence made her feel uneasy during the whole trip.

Perhaps I've been too rash?

But I couldn't help it, I just wanna spend a lil more time with her. However...I don't know how to put my emotions in words. The words were in my throat, but I didn't manage to say it. I just wanna send her home one more time...but my intentions were not voiced out.

Did her impression of me just got worse...I couldn't help but keep thinking about it.

It's my fault for not asking first if she had anybody she held in her heart...but being too blunt might frighten her as well, for such issues are best kept secret for girls until they are ready to speak.

I've been trying not to be too straightforward due to past experiences from my first love...my confession of who my first love was only made matters worse. We seldom spoke to each other on normal occasions, and after the confession...we spoke even less.

The awkwardness...

Eventually, I think not only did I fail to win her heart, I had also lost her as a friend in a sense that...I think I'm totally out of her world, not even in her rank of friends...

Thus my inability to voice out my feelings...

The experience yesterday and the result that turned out at the end of the day kind of mirror what happened the day after my confession to my first love...

What to do...I'm a total wimp when it comes to relationships.

I'm clueless...

I'm helpless...

I'm restless...

The struggle just got even tougher.

After a painful period of 7 years, I've finally met someone who can warm my heart...I really don't want to lose her without trying.

But what are the odds of me succeeding?

What are the possibilities?

Love? Friends?

It's been quite a while since I've felt this way...

This warmth...how long has it been...

I'm not sure if it's really love. Because of what I had experienced in the past, it's possible that I've got a lil phobia...but I just couldn't stop thinking about it...

It's the smile...the one smile which warmed my dark soul...

I feel the urge to see her smile occasionally, but I can't say for sure why. Especially when I saw that she's feeling down, I felt the need to lighten her up...

Is it all in order to see a smile, for my own sake? Or was it for her sake?

I can't answer that now. Maybe it's for myself after all...perhaps maybe it's all just an excuse and I'm in fact trying to be the one who brighten her day...

I'm in so much dilemma now...

Firstly, like I said I'm not sure if this is the "love" I've been searching for...

Secondly, I have no idea if she's got a partner, and of course I can't just blatantly ask her that, right?

Thirdly, someone of my status, character, mannerisms and past misdeeds...would I be given a chance?

Fourth, what if I tell her how I feel, and I would even lose her as a friend?

Lastly, I happened to know that today...someone's after her as well...this is the reason that held me back mostly. (I think that he would not be visiting this god forsaken place, thus I feel that I can safely note this down. Should he happen to read this...well I just hope that he knows that I'm not trying to sow discord or sour any relationships...)

I had always thought that so long the somebody I liked is happy, I don't mind letting my friend be her partner...I would give them both my blessings...

But I felt so empty thinking about that...

I'm afraid things would end up like my first love...an endless struggle. But I just can't let this feeling slide, and how can I ever break this news to my friend.

My soul is currently in a very chaotic situation...

Somebody...please help me...

19th year...

Quoting what Terry said, this year's the last year my age begins with a "1", the next year coming my age will begin with a "2".

Time really flies...

Back when I was younger, everyday seemed forever...but days come and go very quickly this recent years.

As usual, March 16 quietly went passed once more, but not without birthday wishes from my friends. I thank y'all out there for your birthday wishes, they are greatly appreciated...

Return The Hitman!

My first post in a long while shall be about wrestling again!

Firstly...Undertaker retains the World Heavyweight Championship against Rey Mysterio. What's next? Defending the title on the grandest stage of em all...Wrestlemania 26, and extending his undefeated streak further to 18-0.

Next, the long awaited return of Bret "The Hitman" Hart. I'm just a fresh fan of his since 2006 when he got inducted into the Hall Of Fame. That's when his entrance theme suddenly just clung onto me. Now that he's back in the WWE ring after 12 years since the Montreal Screwjob, and found closure with Shawn Michaels and Vince McMahon (both who had screwed Bret for real, resulting in his departure), all that's left for him to do is to slap the Sharpshooter onto Vince and finally send all the Hitman fans home happily.

Ok...wrestling aside, assignments are due this week and next. Though the amount of work to finish reduced greatly, there is still a small tinge of panic, for fear that shit might happen.

*Touchwood*

But no matter, shall work a lil harder than before to clear the workloads be it A or B...so long I'm rewarded fairly, I will not complain...at least not that much...

Happy (?) New Year

Countdown's over, and it's officially 2010...

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...
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So?

Kya~~~it's just that the dawn of a brand new year ain't as fun as before...it just felt like any other day. Tch...life is starting to bore me. No matter what year this world is welcoming...some things just won't go away as time passes.

Sins and misdoings...

A brand new year does nothing but remind me of many things that I wish I could just shut my mind out of...like how-many-years-ago, I did this and that to who. After which, I would do some self-reflection, repent and maybe punish myself a lil for my misdeeds, hoping that I would be able to cleanse myself of my sins one day. But you and me know that it's impossible.

I would just have to be burdened by the sins I've committed all my life till the day I can no longer welcome a new year...

Just for the sake of archive...

Just thought that I should post something during the last day of 2009...just for the sake of my cute lil archive hidden somewhere in this blog where nobody...not even me will ever bother to visit.

Well, and on a side note, I'm still managing to survive the waves of module invasion, and Story would most probably be the coup de grace amongst those accursed attacks from different modules, due to my cliche story with many loopholes and imperfections whereby only graphics and dialogues (something which I lack as well...) can probably remedy the situation by a lil bit.

So basically...yeah, I'm screwed again...

Luckily I'm just screwed by 1 module...for now. Though it's a rather bad thing already...

OK that's all for my last update of 2009. Wish all of you out there a happy new year where your wishes will only be glanced through and cast down the drains by your respective higher powers...

Poker Face by Eric Cartman

2012

2012's great. The effects will definitely hook you up, since no human has ever seen devastation like those in the movies...

It might very well be what will happen at year 2012, but I for one, like some others, don't really count on that. IF, it should really happen, then all I can do is to curse and swear at the heavens and hells...and brace myself for the next bumpy ride.

Everything's good. Plenty of devastation and destruction, just the way I liked it, and needless to say, countless souls fell victim to those merciless waves of catastrophic events...

Overall, I enjoyed the movie due to the fact that I can never successfully deliver something of that magnitude in After Effects...

Tonight...Sephy comes home...

After many hardships, many days of agony...my new psp has returned home. My bad management sent it right into slumber and needed emergency help which I tried to seek for days...

Initially, it seems as if I'm gonna lose another psp, this time even sooner...but luckily, I revived it, and now it's back at where it belongs.

I told many today that I'm gonna spend the rest of the night with Sephy today since my save data is not really the most up to date and I have plenty to catch up.

Just glad that it came home...

Happy Birthday to Angeline

Just wanna say Happy Halloween to all souls out there celebrating, and a Happy Birthday to Angeline, whose party is one of the best I've ever attended...maybe cause I didn't attend many parties held in big homes with many friends like such, but it's fun nonetheless.

Great times is all I can say. The food's good, the cake's good, the people are good and the events are good as well...except for the weather. Unfortunately, I'm getting pretty lazy with pictures, thus none is taken on my phone.

So, thanks for inviting me and Happy Birthday again, Angeline!

Mourning's over...

The lost of my beloved psp no doubt struck me deep, but however, a turning point is right ahead. I shall own a new psp, and this time, piano black.

Damn am I glad about it.

Well...despite all the negative responses and loads of bitching and whining, I guess she's still one great woman who can shut me up with the things I need. I respect her for that...

No matter, tomorrow is the only Monday thus far I'm kinda looking forward to very much.

A great story worth watching...

Just to show the ending of Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence as reference to my last 2nd post. This movie has received lots of positive comments. I haven't really watched it, but I believe it's worth watching.

The Japanese doesn't speak perfect English, but I think they're understandable, and there's no reason to jeer at how much accent he carries when he speaks.

Really love how the music plays as it's ending...

On the eve of his execution, Hara bids Lawrence a final farewell, and a Merry Christmas...